Friday, November 23, 2007
 | Powers Marianna and I were talking recently about how journaling and blogging seem to be inspired more often during adversity, or at least through solitude. I journal fairly regularly, but it definitely develop more organically when I have something I'm working through. And while interesting thoughts are constantly spinning in my head, they haven't been able to find their way to verbalization lately when I have sat down to a computer. Granted, I've been busy. I've also found that an easier way to decompress from my day is to burst uninvited into Marianna's room when she's trying to concentrate on Chinese calligraphy or biochemistry or something qi. Tonight I'm at my parents' house, licking sweet potato remnants off a plate at 1:30 in the morning and finally allowing reflection to find articulation. I can't believe what time of the year it is. Wasn't summer last week? I am beginning to understand why people suffer from age crises year after year. When your life is no longer dictated by a school year, the weeks and the months mesh together until a holiday or birthday arrives and you pause to wonder: 'Am I doing enough?' A boy told me tonight that I'm a "girl with a plan" - that I seem to have focus and future-intent on everything I am doing. He hasn't known me that long. Should I tell him it's all a facade? I think I do a good job making people believe that I'm focused or that I've got my shit together. The truth is, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. One day I want to pack up and move to South America, the next day I fantasize about how I can move up and make SMART better, and the next day I toy with thoughts of grad school. I have days that I relish being single; I have days when I worry I'll never meet someone who makes sense with me. I strive to live in the present, but I spend far too much time future-tripping. And yet without much sense of direction, I seem to find where I want to go. I am continually encountering new relationships or rekindling old ones that affect me positively. I cry out for purpose and it is revealed. And while I have remained geographically in the same spot for over a year, I am nowhere near where I was a year ago. It's so beautiful and awesome to turn around and see how the dominoes have fallen. I sometimes get overcome with guilt for all of the good in my life. I don't know what has allowed me to have all of the lovely people in my life who love me in return. I haven't done shit to reap all of the good fortune I continue to reap. The cynical side of me wants to believe that I must have suffered in a past life - or that I will suffer in a future life. The optimistic side of me, which I hope wins out, believes that we have as much happiness in our life as we want to have. And me? I want happiness. I seek it out. I claw at it aggressively and demand nothing less but to be trembling, beating, exuding, and exhaling joy. And I find it everywhere. I worry when I write reflections that people will read them and roll their eyes, thinking they are cheesy or dumb. But what I figure is that nobody has to read them if they don't want to. I love to know that people read what I write but, really, I'm doing it for me. But maybe, just maybe, somebody (or everybody) is going through a similar process and can take something away with them that's familiar. If so, I'm glad you stopped by. It's nice to know I'm in good company. |
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