Old Blog - 9.07.2006

Thursday, September 07, 2006 

Three days... Current mood:  tired I'm sitting here paralyzed in an apartment full of half-attempts to pack up my life again.  The only logical solution I could think of was to procrastinate a bit longer through the wonderful internet drug of myspace.com. How the FUCK do I have so much stuff??? You don't understand. Today I hauled THREE large Del Frisco's shopping bags to the Salvation Army about a half a mile from my house. Every third of a block I would have to put the bags down and re-group and re-shift before continuing on my way. Last week in my insane adventure home to interview at Laika, I brought a suitcase full of winter clothes and shoes and dumped it in my parents' guest bedroom. I have given an armload of things to both my sister and Rochelle. And yesterday I packed up two boxes to send through the post office media rate. Now tonight as I finished packing a miscellaneous box and one of my two allotted suitcases, I am a little frightened at the mess that remains. It looks as if I haven't even begun. I have ONE suitcase left. That's it. I had promised myself I would only ship one non-media box and get the rest into two suitcases. Now I am down to one empty suitcase to fill with EVERYTHING ELSE? I am appalled with myself. I thought after my epiphany in Argentina I could at least start nodding in the direction of a less-materialistic existence. Well apparently I still have quite a bit to learn. Despite the disastrous state of my packing process, the rest of my life seems to be the least tumultuous it has been in months. I'm finding answers to questions. I'm admitting outloud what has been tormenting me in my head. I'm taking steps in a direction that's putting peace in my heart and loosening the tightness in my chest. I'm starting to uncover some purpose. More specifically, I'm moving back to Portland. I got a job with a company that can keep me in the entertainment industry but pull me out of the unconventional lifestyle I have been drowning in. I will have insurance again and access to a car. I can sit with my mom at church.  Jonathan got his visa and will be moving back in with my family for six months. I have so many people telling me they love me and support me in what I'm choosing to do. A few things still giving me anxiety, of course, but they are completely out of my control and I just have to let them unfold as they are supposed to do. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. But frankly, I'm too excited to feel too terribly overwhelmed or anxious. I'm ready to be out of this city. I'm ready for theatre to be a source of joy for me again. I'm ready to be home without a timer ticking away. I'm ready for whatever comes at me next. And, taking a cue from Felicia, I want to extend a few thank yous: *To My Sister, for not holding it against me that I was a complete Debbie Downer on her birthday. For coming over and spending the night in Jersey when she had to work the next day. For convincing me to go away for Labor Day. For taking me to [title of show]. And a whole bunch of other stuff. *To Rochelle, for the many nights of commiserating. For wine nights on Blvd East. For saying, "Hell if I was from a cool place like Portland I'd want to go home too." *To Megan, for the sweet intention of a letter she ripped up and threw in my garbage hoping I'd never read it. But I did. *To Sarah, for already promising a visit to Portland in Oct/Nov. And for sending her first free pound of coffee to me via Kreykes Express. *To Lindsay, for all of the phone call check-ins where she might as well just be called my therapist *To Miss Ashlee, for not getting upset when I told her that her trip to New York will have to be postponed. *To Rebekah, for seeming like a Portlander even though she's a Jersey girl. For being my friend. *To Thomas, for offering to come out to Jersey to help me carry my boxes to the post office. *To Marianna, for generously sharing her perspective. *To Felicia, for hearting me. And for giving me this idea to thank people. *To Oz, for starting a countdown. *To Nanc, for her constant verbal affirmation. *To Williams, for his persistence in the face of phone tag. *To Amy, for her supportive e-mail. *To Rachel, for sharing some damn good chocolate cake with me. *To Shannon, for unknowingly sparking inspiration. Thanks guys!  Now if someone will magically make the rest of this mess in my apartment disappear, I promise to dedicate an entire blog to why they kick ass.